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Every Sunday mass, Fr Ben finishes with a joke. We've decided to start recording them here for posterity and also to make sure that Father is not re-using any!


49. IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest is driving down to New York, and gets stopped for speeding in a city. The police man smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The police man says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’


48. SQUEEZED LEMON

The local pub was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $100 bet. The pub bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the pub, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice. “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled lemon to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $100, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the taxation office.”


47. DEAD DOG

Murphy, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Murphy went to the parish priest.

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, “Murphy, I'm sorry to hear of your dog's death, but we can't be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal."

Murphy said, "Thank you, Father. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Father quickly responded, "Son! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"


46. THE GREAT DEBATE

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. he would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a silent debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion bread and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has defeated me. The Jews can stay.”

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the pope, asking him what had happened. The pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and bread to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.

“Well” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘ Up yours’. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews we stay right here! “

“And then?” asked a Jew.

“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”


45. THE BIBLE-READING BIRD

Four brothers left home for college and became successful doctors and lawyers. Some years later, they had a reunion.   They chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in a far away city and decided to open their mother’s thank you letter to each. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house." The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well." "Well I met a preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

Then they solemnly opened the thank you letters sent to them by their mom.

Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." “Dearest Gerald”, she wrote to her fourth son. “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. I cooked the chicken you sent. It was absolutely delicious!”


44. MARRIAGE COUNSEL

A man who had been a husband for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. “When I was first married I was very happy. When I came home from a hard day at the shop, my little dog would race around barking and my wife would bring me my slippers with a heartwarming smile. Now after all these years everything is changed. Now when I come home, my dog brings me my slippers and my wife barks at me.” “I don’t know what you are complaining about,” said the counselor. “You are still getting the same service.”


43. A PRIEST'S JOB PROMOTION

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.

"What do you have to look forward to in terms of being promoted?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, next I can become a bishop."

"Yes, and then?"

"If I work real hard and do a good job as bishop, it's possible for me to become an archbishop.""OK, then what?"

Exasperated, the priest replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a cardinal."

"And then?"

Growing angry, the priest responded, "Well, with lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work, if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?"

"Good grief!" shouted the priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," responded the rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"


42. SATAN'S APPEARANCE

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving ... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

This time the man said, "Nope, sure I am not!"

Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I have been married to your sister for 56 years."


41. ANNOINTING OF A SICK WOMAN

A dear old lady knew that she was about to die and hence asked her parish priest to give her the sacrament of the anointing of the sick.  After being anointed she said: “Soon I’ll be rocking in the bosom of Moses.”  “No dear,” corrected the priest, “the Bible says the bosom of Abraham.”  She replied: “Father, at my age, you don’t care too much whose bosom it is!”


40. THE MAN WHO ORDERS THREE BEERS

An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny village walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but people around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.  The next day, the bartender says to the man, "people around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."  The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.


39. THE CONVERTED CATHOLIC

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're grumpily eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks.

So the Catholics work on the Jewish man to convert him to Catholic. Finally, after a lot of pressure and much arguing, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jewish man to a priest who sprinkles holy water on him and says, "You were Born a Jew, You were Raised a Jew, Now you are a Catholic."

The Catholics are delighted. No more tempting smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the smell of barbecue spread through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jewish man's house to remind him of his new diet.

They see him standing over the grille cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "You were Born a cow, You were Raised a cow, Now you are a fish!"


38. THE FLOODWATERS

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. “Climb in!” shouted a man in the boat. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. “No” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord. The Lord will save me.” So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and sadly, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. “Heavenly Father, “he said, “I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?” God gave him a puzzled look, and replied, “I sent you tow boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”


37. THE HOLD-UP

A Catholic priest working in an inner city was walking down a street one evening on his way home when a young man came down the street behind him and poked a knife against his back. "Give me your money," the young man said.

The priest opened his jacket and reached into an inner pocket to remove his wallet, exposing his clerical collar. "Oh, I'm sorry, Father," said the young man, "I didn't see your collar. I don't want YOUR money."

Trembling from the scare, the priest removed a cigar from his shirt pocket and offered it to the young man. "Here," he said. "Have a cigar."

"Oh, no, I can't do that," the young man replied, "I gave them up for Lent."


36. TWO SISTERS

Two sisters spent the day fighting. That evening they prepared for bed, still mad at each other. As usual, they knelt by the side of their beds for their prayers. "Dear God," the 8-year-old began, "Bless Daddy and Mommy, bless our cat and dog." Then she stopped. Her mother gently reminded her, "Didn’t you forget somebody?" She glared across the bed at her 6-year-old sister and added, "And, oh yes, God, bless my ex-sister."


35. MARRIAGE IN HEAVEN

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.

"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"


34. TAXI DRIVER REWARDED

A priest dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a tax driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"


33. CHINESE JEWS

Two Jews Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al said, "Do you have any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Juice." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check with our manager, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Juice." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe you have no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I asked everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange juice, prune juice, tomato juice and grape juice, but no one ever heard of Chinese juice!"


32. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
  • To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  • Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
  • A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  • There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.


31. AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."

"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.

The Pope replies "Your tee-off is tomorrow morning"


30. THREE WISE WOMEN

What would have happened if on the first Christmas there had been three wise women instead of three wise men? The Three Wise Women would have:

  • Asked for directions
  • Arrived on time
  • Helped deliver the baby
  • Cleaned the stable
  • Brought more practical gifts, and
  • Made a casserole

But women shouldn’t necessarily gloat about these truths, since there are several other truths here. After they left, they’d be saying to each other:

  • Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?
  • That donkey they’re riding has seen better days.
  • I hear that Joseph isn’t even working right now.
  • That baby doesn’t look anything like Joseph.
  • Want to bet how long it will take to get your casserole dish back?


29. HOW DO YOU CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS?

A teacher wants to know how each of her students celebrates Christmas. She calls on young Patrick Murphy, "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick answers, "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home, and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with toys."

The teacher asks another student, "And you, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Jimmy replies, "Me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols, and after we get home we put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our toys."

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, the teacher asks Isaac Cohen the same question, "Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac replies, "Well, we go for a ride and we sing a Christmas carol." Surprised, the teacher asks him, "Tell us what you sing." Isaac goes on, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all get into the Rolls Royce, and we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and we sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to Hawaii."


28. THREE GOLFERS

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.

All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.

Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says," I hate it when your father plays!"


27. THE BAPTISM

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?


26. AVID GOLFER

There was a priest who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. One particular Sunday turned out to be a picture perfect day of golfing: the sun was shining; the temperature was just right and there was very little wind. The priest wasn’t sure what to do: play golf or give the Sunday Mass. The urge to play golf overcame him and he called in his assistant priest and told him that he was sick and asked him to take Sunday Mass for him. The priest packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no-one would recognize him.

An angel above was watching the priest and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, “Look at the priest. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

All alone but enjoying it immensely, the priest teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow and 400 yards later it landed on the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A tremendous hole in one!

The priest was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock and turned to God and said, “Begging your pardon, but I thought that you were going to punish him?”

God smiled and said, “I did think about it.  Who can he tell about his hole in one?"


25. GATES OF HEAVEN

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. There they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.  "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."


24. THE HEARING AID

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased.”

To which the elderly man said, “Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!”


23. FOUR WEEKS TO LIVE

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.

"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives," one gentleman said.

"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said, enthusiastically.

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. "For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the Australia with my mother-in-law in a BMW Escort, and stay in a most Luxury Hotel every night." Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.

"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."


22. THE PERTH ENTREPRENEUR

Two beautiful girls were walking down St George’s Terrace when they heard a cry for help. They had some trouble working out where it was coming from, but eventually found a green frog sitting on a window ledge. The frog was in a pretty emotional state and explained that he had been a Perth entrepreneur. He had fallen under the spell of the NSCS and been turned into a green frog. Only one thing could save him. To be kissed by a beautiful girl. They seemed rather doubtful about his approach but he assured them that he was, truly, a Perth entrepreneur, and he promised them anything and indeed everything if one of them would only kiss him and restore him to his previous condition. The girls looked at him for a while. Suddenly one of them opened her handbag, picked up the frog, dropped him inside and snapped it shut. “Good heavens,” said her friend, “what are you doing?”

“Well.” said the girl with the handbag.  “I’m no fool. I know that a talking frog is worth a lot more than a Perth entrepreneur”.


21. HOW MANY SHEEP?

A man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, the latest Polarized sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie emerges from his shiny silver BMW car, approaches a shepherd guarding his flock, and proposes a wager: "Will you give me one of your sheep, if I can tell you the exact number in this flock?"  The shepherd accepts.  "973," says the man.  The shepherd, astonished at the accuracy, says, "I'm a man of my word; take the sheep you have won."  The man picks up an animal and begins to walk away.  "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even.  Will you return my animal if I tell what your job is?”  "Sure," replies the man.  "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd.  "Amazing!" responds the man, "How did you deduce that?”  "Well," says the shepherd, “you drove into my field uninvited.  You asked me to pay you for information I already know, answered questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business.  Now put down my dog; it is not a sheep.”


20. THE PRIEST'S LAST WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a priest, goes to visit him. The priest notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed. The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The priest hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the priest delivers the service. He says, “I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.”

The priest pulls out the paper and reads, “Please, get up. You are kneeling on my oxygen hose.”


19. PEARLY GATES

Recently a priest, a garbage collector, and a politician wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the priest and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They've made movies about it.” The priest answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t really need all the smell that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder. “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the politician. And asked him, “Can you tell me their names?”


18. A FEW OF LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

  • Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  • Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
  • Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • Why is a boxing ring square?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?


17. MODERN CONFESSIONAL

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're in my side."
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16. SHEPHERD AND THE SHEEP

The young priest was teaching the 23rd psalm-Lord our shepherd -to the Sunday school children. He told them that they were sheep who needed guidance.  Then the priest asked, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd-- obviously indicating himself.  A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young boy said, "Jesus. Jesus is the shepherd."  The young priest, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well then, who am I?"  The boy frowned thoughtfully and then said, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
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15. INHERITANCE

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later she became his stepmother. Are crooked women so much better at estate planning than crooked men?
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14. MISTAKEN IDENTITY

While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. A bright light approaches her and as she the light gets brighter, she sees God and wonders if, "This is it..."

Almighty God reads her mind and definitely says:

"No. This is not it." He goes on to explain that she has another 30 to 40 years to live.

The bright light fades away and the woman begins to awake. After her complete recovery, the woman decides to stay in the hospital and get a plastic surgery, face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in to change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 to 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

After the last operation, she walks out of the hospital and right in the parking lot, she's killed by an ambulance speeding up to the emergency room!

She approaches the white light again and finally arrives before God. She asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" To which God replied:

"Sally? Is that you? Oh, dear. Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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13. NEVER LIE

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."


12. THE DYING MILLIONAIRE

A millionaire was dying and wanted to leave his will before went, so he called his wife.

“Darling I have had such a good time with my money in my life but I am not sure about heaven, I don’t know exactly what it is like, so I want to bring all my money with me.  Can you put it all in my coffin?

His wife answered, “Yes, I will.”

At his funeral, wife’s friends asked her, “Is it true your husband asked you put all money in his coffin?”

The wife replied, “Yes, he did.”

A friend asked her again, “You're joking, you didn't really, did you?”

The wife replied, “Yes, I did”

The friend said, “Are you crazy, what a waste money, a dead man no needs no money.”

The wife replied, “I know but I wanted to keep my promise, so I put a cheque in his coffin."


11. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Dublin, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stands over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.

‘Then stand over there against the wall.’ Said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Charles and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

Charles said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

Charles said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’


10. THE BEACH GENIE

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie!

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."  

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand!        

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red, brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him!        

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."        

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.


9. THE MARRIAGE FAIRY

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom!

She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.........

8. NEW YORK LOAN

An Australian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Australian hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Australian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Australian replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"


7. MEANING OF THE BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

6. CAR PARKING

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

5. PALM SUNDAY

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm brances. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"

"Wouldn't you know it?" the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go He shows up!"

4. FIRST TIME USHERS

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

3. THE RACEHORSE

A man was at a horse-race meeting and losing his money badly. He noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses which was lining up for the race. Amazingly the horse won the race despite it being a bit of a nag.

The man was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses. The man put a small bet on this horse.  Again, despite the high odds on, it won the race.

The man collected his winings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless in the next race.

As the day went on, the man's winning piled up as the priest continued blessing horses, and he placed ever increasing bets on them.

The man began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his biggest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at ATM, and withdrew his all savings and waited for the priest to bless a horse that would win the race.

The priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed a horse.  This time the priest blessed the horse's forehead, eyes, ears and tail. The man bet every cent he had in his pocket and watched the race.  The horse came in dead last.

The man was dumbfounded. He ran to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day long you bless horses and they win. The last race, you blessed a horse and he loses. Now thanks to you, I have lost all may money.”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That is the problem with non-Catholics. You don’t know the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

2. MIDDLE-EAST VACATION

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law suddenly died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to Australia Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Australia for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to Australia for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000. The Consul continued, “In most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.”

George thought for some time and answered, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, said, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not! that," said George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

1. IRISH, AMERICAN & AUSTRALIAN

Three guys, a Irish, an American, Australian were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak to Jesus they begin to ask for help.

The Irish guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years.

The American guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to Australian, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."